We Apologize for the Confusion?

I received the following communication from one of my banks. I have no idea what they are saying. Your guess is as good as mine. I have modified the statement to bold the unintended humor from my bank.

Dear Customer,

If you recently received an e-mail notice titled "Important changes to your online legal agreements," it was in reference to a secure message we sent to you in December.

You may disregard the e-mail notice, because you should've received it at the same time we sent you the secure message. You should not expect to see an additional message about legal agreement updates. We apologize for the confusion.

Please reply to this message if you have any questions or concerns.

Thank you for being a valued BigBank customer.

Sincerely,

BigBank Customer Service

Now THAT'S Real Money

The government thinks doctors make too much money. They say that's why health care is so expensive. We just need to reduce what we pay them, and then health care will be affordable, or so the adminstration believes.

Wow, have they aimed at the totally wrong target. This psychic adviser, pictured here, makes over a thousand dollars an hour. I don't know if she's worth it or not. She says she was born with psychic abilities and has been helping people since she was five years old. And she's a fast typer! That ought to be worth something when you're paying almost $20 a minute.

Definitely cute, but I don't think you have to be cute necessarily to make a lot of money. Looks like ordinary looking folk also do well at this.

So I'm wondering if the President ought to be looking at psychics to pay for all of this stuff. Looks like doctors are making less than psychics. Of course, in a free market you get paid whatever the seller and the buyer agree upon.

Call Back With a Translator

I'm sure I'm going to be punished someday for laughing at this today, but dammit, it's funny.

Monkey Chow Diaries

They say laughter is good medicine. If so, I won't be having any major illnesses for at least a year. I ran across this old but hysterical blog series by a guy who decided to eat nothing but monkey chow for a week. He's not doing it to lose weight. He's not even overweight. But he thinks it's an interesting experiment because it would save him a lot of money, he wouldn't have to prepare meals, and he would have no dishes to wash if he switched to monkey chow.

You must watch the videos; they are hilarious. On Day 4 he says he understands why monkeys are so violent. By Day 6 he is so desperate that he soaks a piece of kibble in vodka overnight and then proceeds to eat it. His reaction is recorded on video, and you'll just have to watch it for yourself. I cannot come up with words to describe it.

He also answers a question about what he is thinking. He says he thinks about people who are eating more than he is, and he is considering killing them and taking their popcorn chicken.

You can get a brief report of each day and links to the hilarious videos here.

Kick Them All Out

Dr. Happy has a post about doctors firing their patients for smoking and other sins. He posits that a free market should allow doctors to choose which comers to treat. He writes, in part,

I think the doc, in a free world can see any patient he/she wants to.
If he/she wants to limit their practice to only 20-50 year old nonsmoking
married couples with a BMI of less than 25 they can. Kick out the smokers.
Kick out the drug abusers. Kick out the obese.

I responded with a suggestion that the elderly also be kicked out. No one requires more medical intervention than they do.

Of course, I was being a bit sarcastic. But I like the concept of kicking out the elderly. At least that will be uniformly applied to everyone. Eventually.

But while we are at it, how about if we kick out unsafe drivers? They have more accidents, increasing their odds of worsening health.

Let's kick out thrill-seekers, like bungee cord jumpers, mountain climbers, skydivers, motorcycle riders, etc. Oh, and kick out people with risky jobs, like coal miners, firemen, and police officers. We'll have to kick out sex industry workers, of course.

We should kick out anyone at risk of receiving a needle stick. Hm.

Kick out moms who don't get enough sleep....that's a dangerous lifestyle. Kick out people with stressful jobs. Kick out people with lifestyle diseases like high blood pressure, diabetes, and high cholesterol. After all, if they just made better choices, they wouldn't have these problems.

Hey, why don't we just kick out everyone who is sick or is seeking help for some medical problem?

Medical Mystery!

I have this very bright yellow, very thin (watery) fluid coming out of my nose. I have never seen anything like this. Normal snot is thicker and clear or a pale color of yellow. This looks I took some B vitamins, then peed on my kleenex.

I am not using any nasal spray or eye drops.

What IS this? Do I need to see a doctor?

Genetic Modification? Of Water?

Well look what google dragged in. Organic water that has not been genetically modified. Now what does that mean, exactly? That the little protozoa swimming around in there are genetically natural or what?

I'm not sure what it means, but it sort of reminds me of sales tactics that tell you nothing, like advertizing broccoli as being cholesterol-free, or butter as being low-carb. Well, duh.

But still I worry that there might be meaning to these assertions, and if so, what is the meaning.

via The Ethicurean